Election 2020 live blog

7pm - I did this once before and it was a total disaster.

7.02pm - We have two adults and one teen in the sitting room, two Zooming friends from Australia, one child in his bedroom playing Minecraft and RNZ in the bottom corner of the screen. The teen has already started proofreading.

7.05pm - Everyone on RNZ is wearing black and white. Significance unclear.

7.06pm - Early results have Labour at 50.5%, National at 26.6%, ACT can’t be bothered talking about them, Green on 7.7%, and NZ First out of action.

7.10pm - Early results changing by the minute and only 1% counted so I think we’ll return to critiquing wardrobe choices and eating leek tart for a bit.

7.21pm - This is an excellent tart. Leeks cooked in butter, cherry tomatoes, lots of olives, four kinds of cheese.

7.23pm - The cat has also joined us.

7.26pm - Lots of conversation about the Māori seats - I want to see what happens here.

7.27pm - Rabbit’s friends keep calling on the phone - none of them seem to know how to use a landline.

7.30pm - National supporters described as “dribbling in”. I love a well-placed metaphor.

7.32pm - Teen critiquing his father’s ability to put the lid on the tomato sauce.

7.33pm - Kelvin Davis is DEFINITELY not going to count his chickens before they hatch.

7.39pm - Tim Brown is in a student flat in Dunedin. Ian did that last time round. It was pretty out of control. This time, one of the students looks like he’s an Antarctic explorer. Bit of a giveaway with the pro-cannabis reform poster.

7.44pm - Chloe Swarbrick looking like she has a chance in Auckland Central. National tanking. Green Party commentator: “couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of people”.

7.47pm - David Seymour is arriving by boat. Like a Venice film festival celebrity. Not as pretty.

7.51pm - Gosh, his voice is really quite annoying.

7.52pm - 15% of the vote counted. Labour on 50.3%, National on 26.0%, Greens on 8.0%, ACT on 7.7%.

7.54pm - Clarke Gayford has been feeding reporters snapper bites and venison balls. Jacinda Ardern has been making cheese scones.

7.56pm - Peter Dunne’s hair is for all time. I would very much like to get his jacket sitting more nicely on his shoulders.

7.58pm - We’re talking about Howard here. Showing our age. Gerry Brownlee looks like he’s losing Ilam.

8.02pm - I would not have picked Chloe Swarbrick as a big user of sports metaphors but there you have it. Kiri Allan looking good in East Coast.

8.07pm - Apparently Gerry Brownlee put his wares out there. Very glad I didn’t see that.

8.09pm - Our Australian friend wonders why RNZ doesn’t put slightly more money into its production values, background, studio, etc. Ahhh dear, if only we properly funded public broadcasting in this country.

8.10pm - Gerry asked if he’s worried this will be not just a loss but a devastating loss. Cue, a lot of waffle. I’d like to know how many Māori MPs National will have on these numbers.

8.13pm - Gerry is also thinking about John Howard. I think we’re thinking different things though.

8.15pm - Waiariki very close… Sue Bradford is watching with interest and so am I. Now talking about whether Labour would govern with the Greens.

8.26pm - Time for a cup of tea!

8.28pm - Had to explain David Clark’s mountain bike trip and Hamish Walker’s leaking of Covid patient details to our Australian friend. Infuriated all over again.

8.34pm - Australian friend explaining their Sex Party, which became the Reason Party after merging with the Cycling Party. I think that’s right. Too scared to Google.

8.37pm - Shane Jones is going to be a robust, glass half full kind of a guy who goes with the ebb and flow in a whole host of different ways and there is some kind of streak in the north. And a galactic halo around the leader of the Labour Party. Something about what turns them on and there is no conclusive kōrero until a certain lady has sung her waiata.

8.42pm - Amy Adams seems just a tad too pleased by the utter devastation of her party.

8.43pm - Teen lured back into the room by Grant Robertson, who apparently has quite the fan club among the youth of Dunedin North. I occupied the university clocktower under the leadership of Grant Robertson. He’s not counting his chickens either but I’ll forgive him one very lazy metaphor.

8.45pm - Grant can’t completely contain a wee smirk. Rangitata looking strong for Labour. The woman behind him may regret chewing vigorously on national television.

8.48pm - The party at National HQ looks dismal. Only one MP has turned up. The reporter looks like he’d kill for a shot of tequila.

8.52pm - Everyone keeps saying the result is due to Covid. I think, to be fair, they should acknowledge that it’s due to the Government’s management of Covid.

8.56pm - The Greens are having a PAAARTY. Not sure what the cameraperson is doing. We’re seeing a lot of people’s torsos. They seem to have found a spot at the back of the room where they can’t hear. Tech fail.

8.58pm - Finally have a shot of the co-leaders’ faces. Sort of. Marama looks chuffed anyway. James looks like he really doesn’t want anyone to mention the Green School.

9.05pm - I missed all of that because the cat brought in a baby bird, I went to get my cup of tea at last, and I realised how many dishes we have to do.

9.17pm - Chloe Swarbrick pulling ahead in Auckland Central, Nick Smith losing in Nelson. Amy Adams has pointed out that with lots of National MPs losing electorate seats, they are likely to get people from further down the list in. Shane Reti should be okay.

9.20pm - Winston Peters singing his swansong. Trusting the people, serving them in whatever capacity, for however long. He predicted this economic crisis? I don’t think so… Sounds like there are about five people in the crowd. And as for the next challenge, we’ll have to wait and see.

9.25pm - Why is Michael Woodhouse on the telly? I cannot think of a more irrelevant commentator at this point.

9.27pm - Radio NZ keeps talking about its situation room. It’s Guyon Espiner in a closet.

9.44pm - There’s a lot of Aus/NZ political analysis going on here. I’m uncomfortably aware that the younger child hasn’t eaten his dinner properly. Mark Mitchell thinks they just need to hold their shape and get back on the tools. And now he’s selling out the leadership coup. He’s not laying all the blame on Judith though. Very big of him. Still thinks they should have held their shape but that’s crystal ball stuff. He thinks Gerry lost his own seat because he was busy running the campaign for the whole country.

Lisa Owen: “He didn’t run a very good campaign then, did he?”

9.54pm - Māori Party might get Waiariki.

9.55pm - Judith Collins arriving at the National HQ and movement at the Ardern household.

9.57pm - Have they fixed that bridge in Auckland? Would be funny if they can’t get to their parties.

9.58pm - Crusher on the move.

9.59pm - Thank you to everyone. To all the losers, thank you for your courage. A nice thank you to her family. Strong emphasis on how little time she’s had in the leadership. RNZ doesn’t seem to be very good at getting its cameras in the right place. Although, to be fair, it’s probably a single reporter with a cellphone. Sorry again to the losers. Congratulations to Jacinda. NZ is in the shit - we’re in for a tough economic ride and it’s going to need better economic policy, etc, and blah blah blah. National will get more connected and disciplined though. It will also be robust. And a Schwarzenegger quote to end with. And that is the end of that.

10.08pm - General consensus that Judith isn’t leaving. Julia Whaipooti: “The Crusher has been crushed.”

Julia Whaipooti points out that this is the most powerful left-wing government in ages and they have no excuses not to go progressive. Peter Dunne doesn’t think they’ll do it though.

Quote of the day: “You can’t have the keys to the car and the power to drive it wherever you want and stay in first or second gear.”

10.14pm - Lots of talk about the renaissance of the Māori Party and Rawiri Waititi pulling ahead in Waiariki.

10.16pm - Kelvin Davis is doing… poetry? It’s not great poetry. The scansion leaves a lot to be desired. RNZ has left him to it. Rumour was he had about ten minutes to go.

10.28pm - Rock music for Jacinda. Just hoping RNZ can manage its camera. Thank you. Thanks to those who gave us your boat. Vote. Something like that. We’ll govern for every New Zealander. We’re not polarised. Well, less so now that Judith has lost anyway. Not ordinary, uncertainty, etc. God, I hope she can take a nap after this.

We have a mandate to accelerate our plan and our recovery and tomorrow we start. Watch out for shovels near you.

Something about overwhelming darkness. Let’s step forward together.

10.37pm - Helen Clark joins us! A 1937 style result. A “crushing” victory… I see what you did there, Helen. She has a picture of sheep behind her. It’s more bucolic than I would have predicted from Helen.

Helen says we found a way to house the homeless during the pandemic and it needs to continue. And the prison population needs to come down.

Helen Clark’s screen freezes when Lisa Owen asks her if there’s a role for Winston Peters in public life now that he’s out of Parliament. She would not rule anything out.

That’s it. I’m done for the night.